I despise brawls. Conflict irritates me. I despise being distressed emotionally. When my partner is upset, it bothers me greatly. When I argue, I despise all the negative emotions that arise. I despise making mistakes that I later come to regret. I despise it when my partner says something harsh. I despise it when people use the word "hate."
Yes, I'm a pacifist when it comes to conflict. Many, but not all, of them, are. Fighting is a sport for some individuals. Unless you wish to peep into the experience of those who have a difficult time in high-conflict situations, you should probably stop reading.
According to John and Julie Gottman, two of the world's leading researchers on couples, how one fights is more important than how often one fights in a marriage. The determining factor is respect. Fighting in and of itself is not a threat to a relationship as long as both partners respect each other.
If you're terrified of disagreement and strong negative emotions, here are seven reasons why successfully engaging your partner and managing strife is critical.
These 7 advantages result from healthy fighting and effective resolution:
1. It improves the relationship by fostering a sense of trust.
A relationship is strengthened when constructive conflict takes place within boundaries, or guidelines, that allow emotional expression while avoiding abuse. After weathering the storm, a couple can see the bright skies, and with calm waters on the horizon, a deeper understanding appears.
Coming out on the other side of a conflict increases one's faith in the process. Fighting becomes less terrifying when I know I can live. Because delaying a confrontation is less dangerous, I prefer to communicate my worries to my spouse sooner rather than later, when they are less likely to elicit an angry response.
Arguments can arise out of nowhere, blinding both spouses. Surviving these setbacks improves one's ability to deal with conflict.
2. You'll have a more positive attitude.
Tension, worry, and dread are released when you let off steam and express your emotions. When this happens, I feel "lighter," "as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders." Not only does it feel better, but it is also a healthier state when anxiety and tension, as well as the chemicals that accompany them, are reduced (this does not mean venting or dumping toxic shit on your partner).
The rigidity of the mind, body, and spirit results from keeping emotions locked up all of the time. This isn't a post in academia. I developed an ulcer because I couldn't deal with my partner's emotional expression in one of my previous relationships.
3. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions will be known to your partner.
Your companion will grasp the depth of your sentiments regarding the topic when you can properly express yourself. If you remark, "I don't like it when you do X," calmly and discreetly, your partner will assume you are somewhat annoyed about something minor. They will understand that this is essential to you if you can communicate with some volume and emotion.
Fighting brings out our worst characteristics. When we work through the difficulties, though, it can bring out our best qualities. We learn about ourselves and our partners' good, bad, and ugly sides while still loving them.
4. There's a boost in intimacy.
Fighting reveals what matters to our partners, what they dislike, what they desire, where their boundaries are, how flexible they are, what hurts them, and what they require to feel better. Discovering these facets leads to a greater sense of intimacy and admiration for the other person.
Fighting may be a learning experience that helps you gain a better understanding of yourself and your spouse.
Additionally, make-up sex after a dispute helps to strengthen intimacy. And to think that the vast majority of us believe that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs.
5. You and your partner are two different people.
It's natural to assume that our partner is aware of our mood, needs, and desires once we've settled into a relationship. Some even believe they can (or should) read our minds. Fighting, on the other hand, quickly dispels these illusions.
When we are confronted with someone who is visibly offended and expresses their disapproval of our point of view, belief, or behavior, it is clear that they are their person. As new facets of their personality emerge, it can be difficult to recognize them at all. It's a frightening sight to behold.
The monster we see is frequently a projection on our side, and our partner may be behaving badly at times. After the storm has passed, a more in-depth examination of what occurred might be undertaken.
6. It helps you to develop a stronger personality.
By focusing on what matters - that you care about this person and want them to be happy – you enhance your patience, compassion, and love (without losing sight of your own needs).
Combat is akin to hammering out a piece of steel. The unprocessed product does not have any strength or flexibility at first. Like the samurai swords of old, it is repeatedly heated, folded, and re-formed into a stunning work of art capable of withstanding the shocks and strains of hard engagement without breaking.
7. You don't have to be perfect; it's human.
Fighting shows that you are human, not some flawless heavenly creature, that you have the perfect relationship, and that you are above it all. It demonstrates that you are occasionally in a foul mood, anxious, or simply exhausted.
It reveals unsolved concerns in your brain, whether they be for control, arising from insecurity, power, arising from a sense of helplessness, or self-esteem, arising from a lack of recognition or respect. Whatever your problems are, they will inevitably surface in a close relationship — that's how it works.
I hope I've shown that fighting is a good relationship function. It is possible to gain a better understanding and affection for your mate if you do it correctly. It's simple to speak about. It's not easy to do.
A subsequent post will look at the "how" of successful debating. Until then, keep your wits about you, my friend. Thank you for reading, like, comment and share for more articles.
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