Everyone struggles with self-doubt sometimes, but if you notice these signs of an insecure girlfriend, here’s what you should do.
Every girl has things she’s insecure about. I’ll be you do too. That being said, having an insecure girlfriend can be really difficult to deal with. But that doesn’t mean you just ditch them and move on.
If people having an insecure girlfriend meant you need to end it, no one would ever be in a relationship.
People go through highs and lows all through out their lives. Maybe when you met she was boosting your confidence, but for one reason or another, the tables have turned.
Instead of writing it off as her issue, you can help her face that insecurity and work together on growing her confidence.
Instead of seeing an insecure girlfriend as hopeless, accept her for all she is, including her insecurity. You’d want her to do the same for you. [Read: 20 signs of insecurity people can’t hide when they feel insecure]
The biggest signs of an insecure girlfriend
Having an insecure girlfriend doesn’t just mean she is searching for compliments or cares a lot about how she looks. Insecurity can come into play in loads of ways.
It doesn’t just look one way. Some insecurities are obvious while others are much deeper and harder to spot.
Now, without a doubt, your girlfriend will have some things she isn’t super confident about. That is totally normal and manageable. I’m sure it’s the same for you.
But, having an insecure girlfriend means those doubts impact her daily and make it hard for her to be happy in the relationship. [Read: 16 secrets to a happy relationship]
So, let’s take a look at some signs of an insecure girlfriend.
1. She’s jealous
A little jealousy is normal. If your girlfriend moves a little closer to you after someone tried to hit on you, all is good in the neighborhood. But, if she questions all the girls you are friends with or work with, there is an issue of insecurity.
Intense jealousy means there is a lack of trust. Even if she claims to trust you, intense jealousy doesn’t exist if that’s true. She shouldn’t be starting fights with other girls who look at you wrong or flirt with you. [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship]
2. She compares herself to other girls
A huge reason many girls are insecure is the obsession with comparison. Girls will often compare themselves to celebrities online, girls they know, and even your ex. If she shows you pictures of girls online and says, “I’ll never look like that,” there could be an issue.
Also, you may have an insecure girlfriend if she consistently asks you if you think she is prettier or hotter than someone else.
3. She questions you a lot
When you’re insecure, you need reassurance. Because of this, she may ask you a lot of questions to make herself feel more secure. She’ll ask where you’ve been and who you were with. She will also be sure to ask if a girl you know was at an event.
She is worried that she isn’t good enough and wants to double check constantly that she isn’t losing you. [Read: 15 signs of an unhappy person hidden behind a happy smile]
4. She’s controlling
Not only does she want to know what you’re doing at all times, but an insecure girlfriend will also want to tell you what to do. She will not allow you to see certain people and will manipulate you.
She wants to have control over you so she can feel better about herself. If you listen to her and abide by her rules it makes her feel more secure. [Read: 30 signs you have a controlling girlfriend]
5. She stays in touch too much
Yes, you and your girlfriend should be in touch. But, the normal level of that is maybe a good morning text, talking when you have something to say, and goodnight. You don’t need to know every minute of each other’s days, but she does.
A major sign your girlfriend is insecure is when she is always in contact. She wants you to keep texting her all day and may even double text if she doesn’t get an answer right away. When she can’t reach you, she will be concerned that you are cheated or lying, so she stays on top of it to catch you up.
6. She needs validation
She is lurking for compliments. She will always ask how her outfit looks. There is nothing wrong with that, but when it is out of hand, it could be that she pulls all of her confidence from how you see her.
Instead of finding confidence within herself, she needs approval from you. This is one reason she may be so insecure. She gains security from others. [Read: How to date someone who has trust issues]
7. She pulls you away
She wants you to herself. An insecure girlfriend boosts her confidence when you choose her over your friends and family. She will convince you to cancel plans or ditch time with your family to be with her.
8. She checks your phone
This is a huge invasion of privacy. If she trusts you, she wouldn’t do this. If you see her checking your phone or she even tells you to give it to her, it is a major red flag. She has a lot of insecurity issues to work out.
9. She has a short fuse
When someone is confident in themselves, they have the ability to control their emotions. But, when you have an insecure girlfriend, she will get mad at the drop of a hat. She may start a fight because you didn’t text back or because a female coworker liked your photo.
When someone is sure of themselves, they don’t need to worry about these things. They have a level of trust in you and themselves. When that is lacking, she will lose her temper. [Read: How to handle dating someone with anger issues]
10. She’s defensive
If you say something even the slightest bit off, she will get defensive. She accuses you of things and questions you, but if for a moment she thinks you don’t trust her, she will fly off the handle.
You can see this most often if you let her know you think she is being insecure. She will not like that. She doesn’t want to face those issues because they are difficult.
11. She makes you feel guilty
Guilt tripping, the original form of gaslighting. This is a huge sign that you have an insecure girlfriend. If you go out with your friends, even if she says its fine, she will make you feel bad about it for the next few days.
She may even drive a wedge between you and your family or friends so that you feel bad for her. Playing the victim of any situation is her bread and butter. Even though she isn’t being vengeful, her insecurities cause her to act out like this. [Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship and shut it down for good]
12. She focuses on you the most
Sure, it is nice to have a girlfriend that puts you first, but it’s also overwhelming. Your girlfriend should have other priorities. If she never seems to be worried about work, her friends, or even hobbies, she is occupying all her time with you.
This isn’t a good sign. This is actually a sign of a codependent relationship which is common in people who are insecure but only emphasizes it. [Read: 11 signs you’re being smothered by your relationship]
13. She acts like she’s confident
Sometimes, when you have an insecure girlfriend, she will overcompensate for that. Think about how a guy might buy a big or fancy car to overcompensate for some less than impressive manhood. Women do this in other ways.
If she is insecure in her appearance for instance, she may take a lot of selfies. Instead of letting anyone know that she isn’t confident, she will oversell it and seem cocky or conceited.
14. She’s judgmental
A bully… this is something we’ve been told since childhood and it is still true. When someone puts others down, it is to lift themselves up. Even though it isn’t successful, it happens all the time.
If your girlfriend is insecure, she may constantly say rude things about strangers. She will make fun of how they look or how much money they make. The things she is likely to pick on others for are most likely what she is insecure about. [Read: Learn how to deal with judgmental people]
15. She’s clingy
She is no longer independent but dependent on you. Everything she does is, “We are doing this,” or, “I got this for us.” An insecure girlfriend will want you around all the time. Even if you are fighting, she would rather stay and fight with you than get up and go for a walk.
Why you have an insecure girlfriend
There really isn’t a single cause of insecurity. Some people might just be brought up in an unhealthy environment and have always been put down.
Things like having an abusive parent or growing up around addiction can lead to insecurities like these. Other people may have once had great self-confidence only to have someone destroy it through infidelity or even just mental abuse.
Mental illnesses like depression or anxiety can also lead to major insecurities. This is to say, she did not ask for this. She doesn’t want to feel this way. [Read: Things men do that make women feel insecure]
The point is, since there isn’t a single reason for people to be insecure, you can’t assume there’s one way to fix it. She could have grown up being bullied and then also been cheated on by an ex. All of this contributes to how she views her self-worth.
Sure, it is hard for you to deal with. And, some symptoms of having an insecure girlfriend can be manipulative and emotionally abusive too. This is why it is so important to work with her and try to figure out the reason your girlfriend is insecure. [Read: How to get over insecurity in a relationship]
How to help your insecure girlfriend
Sometimes just showing your girlfriend how much you care about her can do wonders for her self-esteem. But you can’t just tell her that you love her and expect all her problems to go away.
Her insecurities have become what they are through years of experiences. A few hugs and kisses won’t fix it. And, even though you want to help, it may be hard for her to open up about these things. But, supporting her through it will help.
You’ll want to make sure you’re showing up for her through your actions. Words don’t mean anything unless there’s action to back it up. Here’s how you can help your girlfriend feel secure and happy in your relationship. [Read: The smallest, effortless gestures that girls always notice and appreciate]
1. Listen to her when she’s down
The best thing you can really do is just listen to her. And I don’t mean to just hear what she’s saying while you’re busy doing other things. Give her your undivided attention and really listen to what she has to say.
Also, don’t try to fix her problem. Letting her vent and making sure she knows you see her feelings as valid will help. [Read: 10 ways to be a better listener in your relationship]
2. Reassure her of your feelings
You don’t need to tell her every five minutes, but you do need to make sure you’re letting her know that, even if you spend more time apart or get busy and can’t talk as much, that your feelings are still very strong.
She shouldn’t be depending on you for her self-confidence. That doesn’t do anyone any good.
But letting her know the reasons why she is important to you is a great way to help her see herself through your eyes. Reminding her that she is worthy of respect and love will help her feel secure in the relationship. Having insecurity issues makes it easy to forget why a person loves you.
3. Don’t make a big deal out of it
Try not to focus on her insecurity. This is negative and will only bring her down. Of course, you need to talk about it. But, once it is out in the open, keep things positive when you can.
Don’t blame every issue on her insecurities. You aren’t perfect either. Let it be something to work on and you’re happy to help with, but not the main focus.
4. Rely on her for things
If you depend on your girlfriend, she’ll feel needed. Let her do things for you like pick up dry cleaning or cook for you, if she enjoys it. If she likes feeling useful, let her.
I’m not saying you should give her a list of chores. But, letting her know how much you appreciate all she does for you, is a great way for her to feel valued. She’ll realize that you want her in your life and this will allow her to relax a bit. [Read: 14 small ways to make your girl feel special]
5. Compliment her
You’ll have to be careful with this one because she won’t find your compliments genuine if they’re too frequent and too far-fetched. Also, she can become dependent on them. She should feel amazing in herself and your compliments should be a bonus.
Everyone has bad days, but boosting her confidence is key. If you see her in the mirror, just say, “Wow, I’m so lucky.” Don’t wait for her to ask how she looks. When you are thinking something nice about her, say it. Make the compliments deeper than just surface level, too. [Read: 20 genuine compliments for girls she’ll love to hear]
6. Learn what makes her feel loved
Each person has a different way of feeling loved. You may like to receive compliments or gratitude whereas your partner might need physical affection to feel loved. Find out what makes her feel the best and show her that type of love. It might not be what comes naturally to you but learning this early on will reduce her insecurity. [Read: How to make your girlfriend feel loved]
7. Keep the line of communication open
This is probably the biggest thing that’ll make your insecure girlfriend feel better. Just talk to her. Let her know how your day’s going and when you’ll be back to see her. You don’t need to go over the top. But, keeping communication open and frequent can help rebuild her trust in the relationship and herself.
This will honestly make your relationship with her so much better and it doesn’t take too much effort from you. [Read: How to effectively communicate in your relationship]
8. Initiate sex
This might sound weird. You like her, of course, you’re going to initiate sex. But just keep in mind that the more you do, the more she’ll feel like you really love her. Also, be sure to make it known that you aren’t just having sex for yourself. You want to make her feel good too.
9. Ask her on dates
Make her feel like you want to have a real relationship with her. Ask her on dates and do it in a formal way. Officially ask. Don’t just say, “Hey, let’s go get food.” Making it sound like a big deal will show her that you’re in it for the real deal.
Plan a romantic date night if that’s her thing. Bring her to a show that may not be your cup of tea. Show her that her interests matter. An insecure girlfriend likely watches what you want to watch and goes where you want to go. Ask what she wants and follow through. [Read: 33 awesome date ideas every couple should try]
10. Publicly show your affection
When I was insecure in a relationship, I was always concerned he was ashamed of me. I felt like he never wanted to be seen online or in public.
This is the most important thing, but simply holding her hand when you are walking through a store or posting a sweet photo of you two online can go a long way. This is a fantastic way to make her feel loved and appreciated because the world can see it. It’s one thing to show her you care in private, but it’s another when you show her you love her for others to see.
11. Stay true to your word
This doesn’t even have anything to do with remaining faithful, although that should be a given. Instead, this is in reference to anything to say you’re going to do. Do it. If you promise to come home early for a nice dinner and show up late, it says that she and her feelings aren’t a priority to you.
When these things happen, especially regularly, she will think she did something wrong. This will make her question anything else you’ve ever told her, and it’ll hurt her and make her more insecure in your relationship. [Read: How to be a good boyfriend – 33 traits that matter most]
12. Do the little things
Kiss her as you walk by. Pick up her favorite candy on the way home. Tell her how much you like her outfit. It’s really an accumulation of little things that will make her feel loved and taken care of. This will make her feel a lot more secure in your relationship. [Read: 50 cute and sexy things guys do that girls love]
13. Be interested in her life
This part is very simple. All you have to do is ask her about her family and friends and job. Take an interest in the things you might actually find boring. You shouldn’t lie or fake it, but do it because you love her, and these things matter to her. You should be interested in her day-to-day life anyways, but you need to show her that.
14. Avoid things you know upset her
If you know going to a certain restaurant where the waitresses all wear revealing clothing upsets her, don’t go there. Avoid doing things you know make her unhappy. If she gets upset and anxious when your phone dies because you can’t update her, keep it charged. Make it a priority and she’ll be a lot less insecure. [Read: 23 things girls wish guys knew about a girl’s mind]
15. Ask her how you can help
This is the biggest thing you need to take away today. Ask her how you can make things easier for her. Explain how much you care about her and how much you’d like to show her that. Then just ask.
Most of the time, if you ask and are actually concerned, your girlfriend will be honest and give you directions. Follow them and all will be well. It may seem like a lot at first, but as you do these things, her trust will grow and things will fall into a natural rhythym.
Dealing with an insecure girlfriend
With all this being said, fixing her insecurity is not your job. You can be supportive and help as much as you can, but if she isn’t willing to accept that she has things she needs to work on, this won’t work.
Don’t expect things to change overnight, but if after a while, she is still manipulating you or making you feel bad, this isn’t worth it.
No matter how much you love her, if she isn’t willing to work with you on this when you are being patient, she isn’t ready. And you can’t change that.
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