The topic about gender based violence has hit our headlines for a while now. We all remember the case of our Athletics champion Agnes Tirop last year October. The late Agnes was said to have been killed by his husband. She had reported of the abuses she received in the marriage, before anyone could accord her help, she was already dead.
People took it to the streets to honor the Hero who had died silently in the middle of gender based violence. I have always wondered, why men have lost empathy nowadays. These are your sisters, your daughters and your mother's.
Agnes Tirop created a siren, an alarm to many. Last year from August, these cases were rampant in the country. Lovers slaughtering each other, beating up each other to death. Love has turned to the direct ticket of our own graves. The late Tirop was laid to rest in Mosoriot. This is still fresh in our memories
As if that was not enough. Today, a woman who was said to have been a former victim of domestic violence died today from the same gender based violence. These news have been hitting the headlines of NTV news this evening.
Where are we headed. This is too much. I don't blame it on anyone but there are so many ways of solving marital issues, it doesn't have to be war.
Women are emotional creatures. We have been termed to be the weaker sex in the society. At times, it is hard for us to just leave from an abusive relationship. Women get more attached to their partner in a relationship than men do.
There are many reasons that make women the victims of abusive relationships. Today I wish to share more about these reasons;
Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and this leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt. For example, the common phrases women always say “I believed I deserved it,” and, “I was ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself because I thought I triggered him.” Others minimize the abuse as a way to cope with it, saying: “I stayed because I didn’t think that emotional and financial abuse was really abuse. Because words don’t leave bruises,’’ and, “Because I didn’t know what my boyfriend did to me was rape.”
Now this is what causes more harm. A slap is just a slap. It doesn't mean his hand slipped accidentally to your cheeks. We underestimate the power of some signals we receive in these relationships. Now, think of it, if that woman could have taken time to heal from the previous abusive relationship, maybe she could be alive today. A perpetrator is a perpetrator, there is no accident.
The damage to the self is the result of degrading treatment. Many women feel beaten down and of no value, saying: “He made me believe I was worthless and alone,” and, “I felt I had done something wrong and I deserved it.”
Saving the marriage is one important thing. This does not mean, I have to stay there, persevering the abuse just because I want to keep the marriage. If your husband is abusive, please just walk away. My mum once told that i would rather stay In her house forever than get married to someone who will return me home in a casket.
The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Female victims of violence are much more likely than male victims to be terrorized and traumatized. One could say: “I was afraid of him…I knew he’d make leaving an ugly drawn out nightmare.” Attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous. One woman felt trapped because of her husband’s “threats of hunting me down and harming all my loved ones including our kids while I watched and then killing me.”
When it reaches to this then seek help from outside. Obsession is not healthy. This is the reason people kill others because of love.
Wanting to be a Savior.
This is a desire to help, or love their partners with the hopes that they could change them: “I believed I could love the abuse out of him.” Others described internal values or commitments to the marriage or partner, with tweets like: “I thought I would be the strong one who would never leave him and show him loyalty. I would fix him and teach him love.” Others had pity and put their partner’s needs above their own: “His father died, he became an alcoholic and said that God wouldn’t want me to leave him because he needed me to make him better.”
The truth remains, you cannot change a grown man. You will remain broken on the floor crying and hoping they will find help and change to someone else. This is a lie you tell yourself.
Most women also put their children first, sacrificing their own safety: “I was afraid if he wasn’t beating me he would beat his kids. And I valued their lives more than my own.” And, “I stayed for 20 years while I protected our children, all while I was being abused.” a client of mine mentioned staying to benefit the children: “I wanted my son to have a father.”
This is the reason we are killed. We are in a world where we can co-parent while moving on swiftly with our lives.you don't have to stay with him to co-parent, walk and save yourself.
Family Expectations and Experiences.
Every family expects their daughter to build a firm foundation in their marriages. This pressure is in almost all societies. When you return to your home after a broken marriage, people disrespect you, they see you as a failure. Many women stay in abusive relationships to prove their counterparts wrong. To show the society they are capable of staying in the relationship for long. This is a lie. Abusive relationships are a no go zone. Let's prioritize our lives.
The sense of helplessness is the one keeping women in abusive marriages. I mean look around and tell me a rich or established woman who is stuck in an abusive relationship. I bet there is none. As a woman having your own economic independence is important. That is the reason why women empowerment was born. Many women stick in abusive relationships because the man provides everything for them. They fear that leaving the relationship might deny them the financial gains.
Let's stand up firm and say no to gender based violence. If it's not working, lat is walk away. There are so many activities to do that can impact us. We were given life for a purpose. Let us fulfill it.
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